Lifestyle Mental Health

How I’ve Been Coping With My Binge-Eating Disorder

If you’ve been following my mental health journey over the last few years then you’ll know that I’m currently battling a binge-eating disorder. Weight has been a demon of mine I’ve battling ever since I was a teenager.

Before I carry on with this post, I’m going to pop a TRIGGER WARNING right here.I will be chatting a little bit about my BED history and therapy so don’t want to trigger anyone. You’re more than welcome to read some of my other random blog posts.

Where did all my problems with eating begin? This post will explain all about my nightmare with food and what caused me to lose all kinds of control with it. Even to this day I can’t read my own post due to being triggered by it. It’s something I’m working on in therapy.

Late last year I contacted a local eating disorder charity called First Steps to be assessed for possible therapy. I’d already done general therapy but these guys would focus solely on my eating disorder. The assessment was an experience for me since I’m still trying to learn how not to feel guilty. Guilt is a major thorn in my side.

That’s where my brain is at right now.

binge-eating disorder

I started my ED therapy on 13th January with another wonderful trainee called Lisa. I was pretty nervous on my first session with her because I had to have my camera on. It’s something I try to avoid whenever possible but I’m kind of not allowed to. They understand that it’s difficult for sufferers but it’s one hurdle I’m managing to overcome. It’s a little easier on the phone because the camera is pretty teeny so I don’t have to see my face. Haha.

You’re probably wondering what my sessions have been consisting of.

It has mostly had a jumble of usual therapy stuff (chatting about my past and my emotions) and also focusing on my relationship with food. If you’ve suffered with either a binge-eating disorder or any kind of eating disorder, then you’ll understand how awful it can be to think about food.

It’s crazy to think that something vital to our lives can also have a negative impact.  I feel so many different emotions when we chat about my week and food diary:

  • Embarrassment
  • Shame
  • Anger
  • Disgust
  • Relief

Over the first 4 sessions we’ve spoken about my relationship with bread and how my disorder is almost a type of self-harm. I never thought about it that way before but it makes sense. Every time my ED has flared up, something traumatic has happened in my life. Whether it’s after being bullied or a death in my family. I gained a whole bunch of weight after my dad died, then went down to 8st after my GP said I was morbidly obese at 12st and then put all the weight back on after mum died.

So many little connections.

Something I love about therapy is that you’re not judged. You can literally talk about anything (within reason) and not have to worry. My brain does worry about what she’s thinking but I have to let those fears go. I have 15 sessions left to go with Lisa and I’m really hoping to finally make some progress with this. I’m tired of these thoughts and need to take back control.

Even though I’ve lived through these 4 sessions, I literally can’t remember everything we talk. A lot of it is just talking on the spot, sometimes sharing my mood tracker (which Lisa really seemed to love) and going over my mood. One day I could be okay and the next I feel like I want to disappear. I hate having to think about myself when I know others are struggling much more than me.

We did come to the conclusion that my eating habits and body image may be genetic. Both my parents struggled with their weight so it was a sure thing that I would as well. I guess it just depends what happens in a person’s life to kick-start a particular way of thinking. Mine came in the form of bullying, genetics and life. One of my dreams for doing all this is to not only eat what I want without thinking about the consequences and feel comfortable in my body.

The other things I can do with First Steps are some workshops. These are group activities and carry on for as long as I want them, even when the therapy is over. These are some of the workshops I can take part in:

  • Dance Movement
  • Skills for Carers
  • Art Creative Workshop
  • Eating Disorder in Student Services
  • Waiting Well Support Group
  • Thursday All Ages Support Group
  • Body Image Workshops
  • Stand Up (Comedy) To Mental Health Recovery

I’m excited to work on my body image because it’s an utter nightmare right now. I can’t look at my reflection in anything without wanting to cry or avoid. It’s my goal this year to think at least one nice thing about myself and I will do it! I had been planning to do a diary entry post about my therapy sessions but I’m not sure how well this one will do. Let’s see!

If you’re struggling with any kind of eating disorder, don’t suffer alone. There are more of us out there than you think and, like First Steps says, ‘eating disorders are not just about being underweight’. They come in many different forms and your feelings are justified!

Have you ever had to deal with a binge-eating disorder personally or through family?

binge-eating disorder

 

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10 Comments

  • Reply
    Lynn Mejia
    7th February 2021 at 6:17 am

    Great post! I’ve never had an eating disorder or anyone close to me affected. I’m so glad that you are doing therapy and you’re feeling a lot better. I have been trying to fix my relationship with food as I tend to overeat even when I’m stuffed. Thanks for sharing x

    http://www.lynnmumbingmejia.com

    • Reply
      Daisy
      7th February 2021 at 8:44 pm

      Hi Lynn! Your relationship with food is pretty similar to mine. The only difference is the amount and the intense guilt afterwards. No fun!

  • Reply
    A Cup of Wonderland
    7th February 2021 at 12:00 pm

    I just wanted to say that this is an incredible post and as someone who has had similar struggles, I’m pleased to hear that therapy helped you feel a lot better. Thank you for sharing your story and experiences too.

    • Reply
      Daisy
      7th February 2021 at 8:16 pm

      I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through similar struggles. It’s no fun at all. I still have 0 clue why my brain works the way it does but I’m trying. I appreciate you reading!

  • Reply
    Lucy
    7th February 2021 at 7:57 pm

    This is an incredible post and I’m so pleased that therapy has helped you lovely, I love honesty in this post x

    Lucy | http://www.lucymary.co.uk

    • Reply
      Daisy
      7th February 2021 at 8:12 pm

      Thank you, lovely! I’ve still got a long way to go but each session I do is a step in the right direction! x

  • Reply
    Molly @ Transatlantic Notes
    8th February 2021 at 7:19 pm

    I’ve not had an eating disorder myself but have had close friends who have and I spent quite some time supporting them, etc. I think being a work in progress is a very important step, like the ones you have taken thus far. None of this is easy but speaking up and being honest and sharing what you experience is to be commended. That takes guts — I’m cheering you on!

  • Reply
    Jenny in Neverland
    9th February 2021 at 10:29 am

    This isn’t something I’ve dealt with but I have had my fair share of disordered eating in the past. It’s very hard to manage but thank you for sharing your story and progress. It’s amazing how honest you’ve been and I know it’ll help others too! 🙂 x

  • Reply
    Aimsy
    9th February 2021 at 5:42 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story! I hope that the sessions continue to help you, it sounds like you have fab insight into your eating, which can only make the progress a bit easier. As someone above commented…cheering you on as well!
    Aimsy xoxo

  • Reply
    Nic | Nic's Adventures & Bakes
    10th February 2021 at 3:59 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story, I hope that the sessions that you are having will help you 🙂

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