Mental Health

2020: The Year That Silenced My Voice Everywhere

A couple of you may have noticed that I haven’t been active during 2020. If you have known me for a while, then you know I never shut up usually. Whether it’s chatting away to people on Twitter or commenting on a bunch of blogs, I was always around somewhere.

However communication has never been easy for me.

For the first couple of years of my life I didn’t really talk. I spoke to my family fine but never felt comfortable talking to others. I was constantly told I was shy and that I lacked confidence. If only they knew that I was actually autistic. As I grew older and discovered acting, I found my voice. I was able to chat more with people and make a few friends. I was still incredibly awkward but I tried.

Unfortunately 2020 really smashed all of the progress I’d been making over the last few years.

It stole my voice in more ways than one.

2020

I first noticed that I was talking less a week or so into the first lockdown. Since I live alone I don’t particularly talk to anyone anyway. If I do, it’s usually to say hello or good morning. I was on a course at the time and we were having to talk over Zoom like a lot of people. I started not wanting to chat verbally to everyone and preferred to type. It wasn’t compulsory that I had to talk so I didn’t.

Things just started to snowball from there.

From choosing not to speak on Zoom to not answering a phone call to not chatting online.

The world was just too much and I guess I just felt safer in my own little bubble. I could hide away and no-one would notice. Obviously that was my mental health talking. You don’t realise that until the last second. I just didn’t know what I could say to people. They had their own problems to deal with and it was almost as if I’d forgotten how to talk.

2020 had stolen the voices of a lot of people this year.

We haven’t been able to see barely anyone and it has been mad!

So…have I struggled as much as I have? There is a saying that if you don’t use something, it becomes rusty. That seems to have happened with me. I didn’t have news to share, couldn’t post anything blog-related and my life was just boring. People did try to chat with me more (love you, Lindsey!) but I lost my words.

My days ended up consisting of sleeping, journalling and Youtube.

My mental health has been such a pain in the bum. Just when you think it’s going to leave you alone, it pops up. Another thing that prevented me chatting are the reminders. Being reminded constantly that I have no family closeby to see (as my bubble) or friends to see from a distance. As selfish as it sounds, it made me feel worse. I have no-one for Christmas but myself. It hurts so much and has always been my worst nightmare.

I am striving to do better just by writing this post. To be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever be perfect at this communicating thing but I will try. I refuse to let 2020 make me go mute and back a decade. Too much work was put into talking more.

If anyone else has been going through the same problem, let’s talk to other. We can say hi, ask how our days have been and even something random like cats. We’re all in this together! Hopefully 2021 will treat us better and enable us to rediscover our voices.

Have you struggled with anything like this during the year?

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15 Comments

  • Reply
    Lisa
    7th December 2020 at 8:01 pm

    Oh Daisy, I’m so sorry to read this. I think 2020 has been such a crap year for so many people (to put it mildly). But fingers crossed things will improve soon, at least there seems to be a real glimmer of hope on the horizon now. Take care, lovely, and welcome back to blogging x

  • Reply
    Lucy
    7th December 2020 at 8:24 pm

    I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this Daisy, 2020 has bee such a crap year and I hope you will be ok soon, I’m here if you need a chat xx

    Lucy | http://www.lucymary.co.uk

  • Reply
    Lindsey
    7th December 2020 at 9:49 pm

    I love you too! And it’s okay that you feel you can’t find the words to respond, I’m still going to drop messages just to show you’re being thought about and loved, and you take from that whatever you need to. Hopefully when some of this weirdness settles, you’ll find your voice again, one way or another. The fact that you’re able to blog about it is a huge step forward and hopefully will help in the long run being able to express it. You know I’m always here for you, whatever and however you need it.

  • Reply
    Jenny in Neverland
    8th December 2020 at 10:09 am

    Daisy I’m so sorry to read this and hear about how much you’ve been struggling this year. You’d have had so much love and support had people known but obviously considering the nature of the problem, that wasn’t an option for you. I think you’ve made a great step by writing this blog post. And you don’t owe anyone anything in the way of communication. But remember we’re here if you ever need us <3 xxxx

  • Reply
    Linz
    8th December 2020 at 10:24 am

    Hi Daisy, sorry to hear you’ve been going through this! I’d always be happy to send you some cat pictures 🙂
    Xx

  • Reply
    Lisa
    8th December 2020 at 4:16 pm

    I think that after this pandemic manny will struggle with communication. I’m so sorry to hear how much you have been struggling with it. If it helps, you definitely are not alone

  • Reply
    Sophie
    9th December 2020 at 11:28 pm

    I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way! I can sort of relate in another way. I lost my voice (physically couldn’t talk) for 8/9 months when I was at uni, when my throat issues improved and I could speak again I felt too timid to communicate. I’d spent so long not bothering to try because no one could hear me, I almost forgot how to have a conversation when I was able to again. Not the same, but there are some parallels. I hope you feel better soon, blogging about it is a big step in the right direction. Feel free to drop me a DM if you ever want to chat! x

  • Reply
    Nic | Nic's Adventures & Bakes
    10th December 2020 at 11:39 am

    Sorry to hear that you have been through a lot this year, already, mine was bad to I have had more anxiety this year, but at least I had some voluntary work to do before things were lifted then the anxiety and loneliness cam back which has been worse, as I don’t have much to do now. Hopefully, once this is all over I shall get back to it 🙂

  • Reply
    Wildrose Healer - Karen
    10th December 2020 at 5:24 pm

    Hi Daisy,
    2020 has been tough. I’m sorry you’ve had a hard time with your voice and communicating. I have to admit I’ve been having a hard time as well. I get nervous when it comes to socializing, or being around other people. I noticed the more I socialized the less nervous I became. I wasn’t scared anymore. But because we are forced to stay inside, I don’t socialize as much anymore, and going outside on some days is hard. I can’t even see my neighbors without being scared. But it’s okay because I’m working on it day by day, my husband helps me out a lot. I hope you’re able to find a way to feel comfortable with communication again. I’m always looking to make new friends in the blogging community so you may hear from me soon. Hope that’s okay.

    From your fellow Ravenclaw,
    Karen

    wildrosehealer.com

  • Reply
    Marta
    10th December 2020 at 5:28 pm

    I am so sorry that you have been feeling this way. 2020 has been such a rollercoster of emotions and what not for many. My mental health has been up and down so much this year, so I can relate to that. If you need a chat, even if is just a small talk, my DM is always open.

  • Reply
    Carmen
    10th December 2020 at 5:58 pm

    I think a lot of us feel we’ve lost so much in the pandemic, from our voices, social freedoms and relationships, job security, etc. I actually just posted on my hopes to regain some sanity in 2021 and I hope this for you as well!

  • Reply
    Britt
    10th December 2020 at 7:33 pm

    I have definitely felt like I withdrew A LOT this year with everything going on. In my case, it was 110% mental health and the pandemic creating a black hole. I started a new medication for it just days before we started seeing the impact of COVID hitting Canada, so I was going through the adjustment period for the medication while dealing with the start of lockdown…. it was GREAT timing (not). If you ever want to talk to someone that has been going through things like that, know that I’m a message away. We need to stick together!

  • Reply
    Monique
    18th December 2020 at 1:10 pm

    I understand your frustration about this. It sucks having to be away from your family. Small talks just make it worse in my opinion. Silence keeps you company but at a time like this, all you need is to be surrounded by your loved ones. You’ve been through so much and you’ve been strong. I hope you’re doing well now! Better days are coming.

    http://www.lifebeginsattwenty.com

  • Reply
    Kate
    3rd January 2021 at 7:49 pm

    I’m so sorry you’ve had such a difficult time. Last year really sucked for a number of reasons. I think you have made a really positive step in acknowledging there’s an issue and opening up on your blog about it. Talking about things we struggle with is something very personal and therefore makes it especially brave when we open up about it. I really hope things will start perking up for you soon. If you ever wanna chat feel free to find me on social media. I had a quick look over your blog and it turns out we have many similar interests. Wishing you the best for 2021 🙂

    Kate ♥️ | https://asimplesliceofkate.com/

    • Reply
      Daisy
      6th January 2021 at 5:46 pm

      Blogging has definitely helped me work out some issues and allowed me to reach out and help others with the same problems. I’m slowly getting excited to blog again so we’ll just have to see where 2021 takes us! That means a lot, Kate, so thanks!! xx

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