Mental Health

Why I’ve Lost Myself To Depression Recently

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

TRIGGER WARNING: This will talk a lot about depression and negative thoughts so please don’t read if you’re struggling right.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written an honest-to-god kind of post, but I feel it’s right to. You may have noticed that I have been more odd than usual since the start of lockdown.

The truth is that I haven’t taken to this ‘new normal’ well. In fact it had made me the worst I’ve been for years. I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to describe what my mental health has been like and the only way I know is through a blog post. I’ll try not to waffle on too much but maybe someone else will have felt the same.

So…what has been going on in my mental health world?

My eating disorder is out of control.

My brain refuses to work so I have horrendous concentration. This is the main reason why my posts and social media have been so sporadic. I ended up leaving a couple of comment swaps because I wasn’t able to read/comment on other posts. It’s made me feel like not only a hopeless blogger but a rubbish human being.

I haven’t felt human.

I’ve done human things such as getting up, eating and going to bed. That’s it. I haven’t been able to function during phone/zoom calls, haven’t been able to get fit or do any of the things most people seem to be doing. It isn’t for want of trying. I truly have tried my hardest every day to write a post or even to sit up on my sofa. The fact that I’ve even left bed is a miracle.

If it wasn’t for the fear of being sectioned during a pandemic, I would have voluntarily sectioned myself at the start. I’ll be honest and admit that I have felt nothing but a shell. My parents always taught me that I should be thankful for having my strength and my health, but I don’t feel it. Just because I physically look fine doesn’t mean that I’m not in agony.

Somehow I’ve lost who I am to my mind.

It’s taken control over everything I do and I hate it so much. I feel like I’ve forgotten who I even was before my depression appeared. There are pictures of me as a kid smiling and giggling and I literally can’t think of a day when I’ve smiled this year. You know you see those pictures of someone with a smile mask part off and the other part has tears? That’s me.

This blog has been my baby for 2 years now and I discovered that it was triggering me. The idea of not posting as often as other people, not having the motivation to schedule posts or posting on social media. I have tried to post a little on Twitter but even that has been a massive struggle. My depression makes me see the online world as everyone mocking me for my failures. Believe me, I know no-one is but that’s mental health in a nutshell. The only person mocking me right now is myself. Therapy is ever so slowly trying to help me see through that.

I guess it’s just hard to be positive when your world was already burning before all this.

All this said, I still aim to be there for friends who are struggling. If I can relate somehow to what they’re feeling, I’ll be there with a funny gif or a listening ear. I’ve had a small handful of people who I have spoken to in DMs when I’ve been super low and they’ve been a god-send.

I can’t say that I’ll post much while I battle this but I appreciate you being there anyway. There’s no question to answer for this post. Just stay safe.

 

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