Mental Health

Thoughts I’m Having Before My First Therapy Appointment

therapyPhoto by Timothy L Brock on Unsplash

Oof, have I had a bit of a history with therapy?

I’ve been in and out of it ever since I was a kid and haven’t had much luck with it. Some sessions had been to help me with my confidence, others for bereavement. I think what you can get with therapy is a little hit and miss depending on the therapist.

Why am I writing this post since I’ve already chatted so much about my mental health?

Well, as the title kind of suggests, tomorrow I have my very first therapy session. At least in the last few years anyway! I was supposed to have it today but my therapist double-booked. That kind of left me upset since I thought I’d have to wait for months again. Thankfully that wasn’t the case.

I’ve got so much inside my head in way of thoughts and some fears! I know that I shouldn’t be scared of therapy because it’s meant to help me, but this is me we’re talking about! Haha! I wouldn’t be having it if I didn’t have some dumb fears about the session.

“If I tell the whole truth, I’ll be sectioned!”

If you ever had severe depression, then I’m sure you’ve had this particular fear regardless of who you talk to.

The thought of ever being sectioned is terrifying. The only thing that keeps me going (in a sense) is having control. It’s funny that I say that since I don’t think I’ve had true control over my life for years. At least not mentally anyway. I have to tell myself that she wouldn’t automatically section me unless I was at immediate danger to myself or someone else and I’m not.

If I’m going to stand any chance of recovering, I need to be completely honest. Therapy means confidential and she is there to help me make sense of why I think the way I do. It’s going to take a really long time but I know it’ll be worth it. Maybe I’ll feel more stable for when I go to visit family in June.

“What if I’m too far gone?”

This is such a stupid fear for me to have.

If I was really too far gone then I would either be sectioned or with my parents. The fact that I’m even doing therapy means that I must (deep down) feel like I can be helped. Part of me feels like I’ll never recover since I’ve had to wait for so long to get to this point. I’ve literally had something like 3 assessments to even be considered to see a psychologist.

“Maybe she won’t think I’m depressed and give me another diagnosis!”

A long shot of fear but, when you’ve heard so many people say different things, you don’t know what to think anymore. My autism support worker says that a lot of people she looks after are diagnosed with different mental health conditions. When the symptoms they’re showing are actually connected to their autism.

I know I’m quirky but even I don’t think I can be placed in different baskets.

What I’m getting to as well with my fear is that they won’t think my depression is serious. I wouldn’t be going to see this person if someone didn’t think I needed the extra support. Never been to see a clinical psychologist before so fear of the unknown I guess. Eventually I want to be able to come off my anti-depressants but that’s a long time in the future!

“I won’t recover by the end of these sessions.”

I’m certain that we’ve all had this fear when it comes to our mental health. You see so many people chatting about their recovery (which is incredible by the way!) and you worry that you won’t. I know that I’m in that boat right now. I don’t know if you can ever fully recover from mental health.

Part of me always thought that everyone was born with the possibility of suffering. We just need that life trigger to kick it off. I know mine was started by bullying and made worse by losing family. One lesson that I have taken to heart is that, once you’ve been bullied, you carry on the bullying. It was something that a therapist said to me in CBT and it’s just stayed in my brain.

I have a whole bunch of fears that come with therapy. Whether it’s not fully trusting whoever I’m chatting to because I don’t know them or showing how broken I am. Let’s just hope that this psychologist has some extra strong super glue to piece me back together again.

It would be nice to feel stable and normal!

If you’ve had therapy, what were your fears before your first session?

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