While Mum was battling with cancer, I kept a diary of what was going on inside my head. You can imagine how many thoughts you can have when you’re not able to help your loved one. It was my mum’s oncologist that suggested that a diary would be a good idea for both of us. I’d already been writing diaries over the last 10 years but this one was very different.
I’m going to put a little trigger warning here. This post isn’t going to go too dark but I will chat about a couple of my negative thoughts and about terminal illness so just in case!
I’d already had this idea on my to-do list but I thought I would put it up today since it’s Macmillan Coffee Morning tomorrow! Buy cake, give a little to an incredible idea and help thousands of sufferers and their families!
why couldn’t i have had the cancer and not my mum?
This was a thought I had throughout my mum’s journey. It might be a little selfish since there are plenty of people who probably wish they never had cancer. I know but I hated seeing my mum suffering and watching her slowly becoming undone. I did imagine what life would have been like if I had had the brain tumour and Mum had to look after me. It’s that thought that has me shaking my head to get rid of it. She had already suffered after losing my dad so it would have been worse for her to see her daughter suffering.
why can people smoke and drink and be fine, but my mum gets the tumour
I still think along these lines whenever I see people being so careless with their life. She once told me she had thought the same thing when my dad had died. She heard cars going past and people heading to work and thought, ‘How can they be going to work when my husband has just died?’.
Now I know how she felt and it’s awful. I go past pubs on the bus and see men and women around my mum’s age and older who smoke heavily and drink lots. How can they do all that and live to a ripe old age when both my parents died young?
could i have helped her more?
I know I cared for her for many years but I always wonder if I could’ve helped her more. Could I have been helpful during our alone moments? Could I have studied more and done more with my life to make her proud? This is the way my mind goes. I know mum would have told me that I had done plenty to make her proud and her last sentence about me was when she looked at my graduation picture and said, ‘You know what? I’m really proud of our Daisy!’
That still makes me warm after these last two years!
am i playing the victim card too much online?
I constantly worry that I’m playing some kind of victim card to people and that I look like I’m crying out for sympathy on social media. I do write a lot about what I’m feeling there and then whether it’s positive or negative. I guess that I’m just trying to be honest and a little brave for those that are struggling too. There’s nothing worse than feeling alone with your thoughts.
If you have a spare moment tomorrow, please try to go to your local Coffee Morning and buy a cake. Every little penny really will help and get us one step closer to finding a possible cure to cancer.
Will you be going to a Coffee Morning?